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Archive for March, 2016

GUILTY HEARTACHE

So many times in the past few weeks, I find myself missing Christopher so much, longing for our conversations and the way we laughed, at everything and nothing at all. We had so much joy when we were together, our conversations were amazing and I miss those moments so much right now. And then, BAM, the guilt hits. How could I, at one moment miss one child so much but not the other? Shouldn’t I miss them both equally? Yes, there are times when all I want is to hear Michael’s maniacal laugh and his “go to” words of wisdom, “It is what it is Mom”. But right now at this moment in time, it is Christopher I am missing.

WE had our last (for now or forever, I am not really sure, but I never say never), fundraiser for the Memorial Foundation. It was getting to be too much work for me as not many people were helping that much and most of his friends didn’t come anymore. It is also a constant reminder that he is dead and I live with that and relive his death from Sept when I start getting getting ready for the event until the day of and beyond. It takes its toll to live with that kind of anguish every day.

It also doesn’t help that some of Christopher’s friends have been posting some old pictures of him or a song that reminds them of him (You Should Be Here) as they are looking for songs to play at there wedding and came across this one that got them to wishing he would be at the wedding to share in there joyous day.

There is a picture one of his best friends posted recently on Facebook and he is standing underneath this giant rainbow and looking at it, all I could think of was, “look Christopher went with him”. Crazy, maybe but Christopher and I had a rainbow thing. Every time he saw a rainbow he would stop, take a picture and send it to me. They are the sign I look for when I am at my lowest point and truth be told, I usually get one. Either I see one myself or a friend will post one for me.

SO yes, at this moment in time, I am missing Christopher so much it hurts to breathe and the physical pain in my heart is as real as this keyboard I am typing on. And yes, there is some guilt that Christopher is my focal point right now, but that is something I have to live with. There are no handbooks on how to deal with the death of two children in two years, so I will make it up as I go along and do the best I can at any given moment in time.

I am sorry Mikey, I miss you more than words or feelings and I know that at any given moment in time, you will be my focal point and I will be apologizing to Christopher.

But like Mikey always said, “it is what it is”.

Silly Michael

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Love you both to the moon and back and as long as I’m living, my babies you’ll be.

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