Archive for October, 2013

Oh my! I have been quite remiss about writing here. Somedays, it takes all that’s in me to curtail all the anger, angst, pain and loss I am feeling. Sometimes, there are just no words to even describe the feelings and emotions that are coursing through me.

Have I moved past this horrible nightmare that my life became when my oldest child died? Hell no! Not even close, not by a long shot.

Life couldn’t/wouldn’t be that simple or easy for me. Five months and a day after my child died, my mother died. I think I was so numb with my grief at the time that to this day, I have still not mourned her passing. How could I when life was just going to start throwing me under the bus. After Mom died in March of 2011 my “new normal” life continued on. The real fun didn’t start until Jan of 2012. That was when I started experiencing some weird medical issues that left my doctors baffled and confused. Prednisone became my constant drug which was oh so kind to add so much more weight than I actually needed. Michael, my second son was also going through his own health issues resulting from the accident he was involved in way back in 2006 where he crushed the right side of his face.  It seems seizure activity was increasing but he also decided to self medicate as well.  Long story short we found out in Aug he was having 6 to 10 breakthrough seizures daily and was on the highest dose allowed for triliptal and then out on other medicines. He found in Nov. (2012) , the last week that he wouldn’t be getting his license back anytime soon. He lost is ability to go to school, to concentrate and to do one of the things he loved most, drive his precious truck. He felt despair and hopeless. And who could blame him? BUT, he also didn’t really try that hard to get better, he thought he knew more than the doctors and he didn’t believe them when he was told to exercise and eat all his meals and sleep at a normal time every night and wake up in the morning. He said the tremors kept him from sleeping, but the doctors wanted him to go to bed and wake up at the same time every night and day. They said his body would get used to the routine, he said that was garbage, so he didn’t try. His friends thinking they were protecting him, did not tell us othere things were afoot. But they were and they were bad. On the Monday that he found out he wouldn’t get his drivers license back, he lost all hope. He gave up and gave in. He decided that since the doctors weren’t/couldn’t help him, he would go back to smoking weed. On Friday the 30th, I went out to my car to start it and put the heat on and when I turned back towards the house, I saw him in the garage with his friend standing over him like a grim reaper. Truly that was what he looked like, his hood was over his head and covering most of his face and he was leaning down low to Michael who was sitting in a chair, not moving, just standing over him. Michael was on the phone and I went ballastic on him. I could see he hadn’t been to bed at all and it was 8 AM. I yelled and screamed at him that he was killing himself and making me have to watch it, that I couldn’t bury another child and I needed him to start being a participant in his recovery, I told him I couldn’t do this all alone and he needed to want to live. There were other things said but I forget most of it. I remember telling him he was making me watch him die and it was killing me.

For some reason, I didn’t want to leave the house that day. I had a feeling something was going on but didn’t know what. I was just so uneasy and upset and couldn’t place why. I finally realized I was going to be late for work, so I woke up my daughter and asked her to check on Michael in 10 minutes becasue I felt he and his friend were going to leave. She tried, but he did leave.

AT about 11:30 I received a call from my younger son (he had gotten out of the Marines the month before to help us with Michael’s health issues as well as mine), he said he went out to the garage and found Michael sitting in a chair in the garage and he wasn’t breathing. He tried CPR for 10 – 15 minutes until the police arrived, they tried to revive him as well. It wasn’t until the paramedics arrivied that they were finally able to get a heartbeat. That was the beginning of our nightmare, part one. I got home while the paramedics were working on him but they wouldn’t let me near my house or in my house, to say I was freaking out is an understatement. So off we go to sit vigil at yet another hospital bed where our child is lying in a coma. His body is breaking down and yet they won’t take him off life support because they started the protocol to save him.    There was no grey or white matter in his brain, only water. He body was shutting down but still they tried to “save” him. They told us the “BEST CASE” scenerio would be if they got him to where he could breathe on his own, then he would be a vegetable for the rest of his life. WHAT????? did they really think that was best? WE left the hospital about 1 AM only to receive a call about 2:15 that they were losing him. My husband and I ran to the hopsital and finally they told us they would bring his body temp back up and take him out of the coma they put him in and that once they acheived this, he would, well,  die. The night before there had to be about 40  –   50 friends in and out of his room, we wanted to give everyone a chance to say goodbye. But on this morning Dec 1 2012, the only people we called were out other kids, we asked the hospital staff to wait until they got there before they unplugged the machines that were keeping him alive. They agreed. They said that once he was unplugged he would be able to hear us (he couldn’t when he was in the induced coma) and we could talk to him. They said that once they pulled the plug, he would be gone in about a half hour.  We waited outside while they did what they had to do and then they called us in, we stood around him, talking to him and crying and telling him to go home to God. Within 10 minutes my second child was dead.


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